Strength

This is a narrative story I wrote. The characters and the situation are fictitious. I was inspired by a song about strength and kindness. I dedicate this to all the females who seek the strength they need to escape abusive relationships.

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Some people live life effortlessly; they can move through their everyday lives with a sense of ease. These people stand out because they match societies idea of perfection. They get the attention they need for any situation.

            Now, Andie Crawson, on the other hand, is not one of those people. She blends into the background; quietly living her self- sustained life. She has a simplicity to her personality, and calmness in her presence. She has kindness in her heart, and innocence in her cobalt eyes. She couldn’t have known that by simply being herself she could change a life.

            Andie stretched out her stiff legs before she crossed them again. Her black sunglasses slid down her angular nose as she looked down at her red sketchpad. She used her thin fingers with unpolished nails to gently push them back up to her focused eyes. She looked out onto the clear teal lake just as a gust of wind pushed her long golden hair into her calm face. Without any signs of irritation she pulled her hair into a loose ponytail. The persistent wind caused loose strands to escape and frame her face in wispy curls. She slowly traced her pencil across the paper as she captured the simple moment she was experiencing. The soft black lines smudged as her hand passed over them, leaving gray residue on her pale wrist. The only sliver of light pushing through the dark rolling clouds caught her from behind. She glowed for a moment, as she was the only thing illuminated on the desolate beach.

            Andie pushed her head back against the tree she was leaning against as she closed her sketchpad. She looked up into the darkening sky, but continued to wear her black sunglasses. She slowly closed her eyes so she could live in the moment; feel the breeze, smell the air, and touch the sand. She understood life in a way that most people strive for. She saw the decay in her life, and refused to let it rot her heart. She used her fear to drive her forward. It was in that self-reflecting moment that a figure emerged from the opening in the trees behind her.

            The stumbling girl had just gotten out of her boyfriends car, which left her barely standing as it sped away. The tears streaming down her make-up covered face gathered in dark pools at her chin. The teenage girl did not notice Andie as she struggled through the sand towards a dark bench. The girl collapsed on the wood sobbing, assuming she was the only one on the empty beach. Andie felt a tug in her heart as she realized the bruises covering the girl’s arms. Without thinking twice Andie gathered herself, stood up, and steadily made her way over to the girl.

            It started raining by the time Andie sat on the bench next to the girl. The girl’s tears mixed with the falling rain as she looked up at Andie. The embarrassment showed clearly in the girl’s eyes when she realized she was crying in front of a complete stranger. The girl winced as she used her bruised forearm to wipe away her tears. Andie studied the girl through her sunglasses as she reached out and embraced the frail shell of a girl crumpled on the bench. Andie held the girl gently for a moment before she pulled back. The girl gaped at Andie; not quite sure about what just happened.

            Just as a pool of light filtered through the rainy sky, Andie finally pulled off her sunglasses to reveal a blue and green lump on her eye. Andie could see the questions building up in the girl’s eyes, so she took the girls hands and pulled her up. Andie stood tall and used some of her insight to give the girl some of the strength it took her a long time to find; hoping the girl would find her strength faster than it took Andie to find her own. She let go of the girl’s hand, but right before she turned around to leave she put her sunglasses back on, calmly smiled, and simply stated, “I left him.”

Life

Sometimes it doesn't take much for me to appreciate life. Today is one of those days :)

Scared

Every so often the optimism in me fails, and there is a sliver of doubt that creeps in. It is in that moment that I feel the tightness in my chest. I realize I am scared. These are the times in my life that I need someone in my corner the most. These are the times I need someone to reach down, pull me up, and push me forward when I feel like sitting down and giving up. When I have these moments I open my phone and look through my contacts. I look for that one person I can call; that one person that only I can talk to. That is when I realize I don't have that person in my contact list. I realize I don't have someone I can go to when I need to go to someone the most. I have to internalize all my thoughts and fears. I can't say, " I'm scared." I can't tell anyone how afraid I am of failing.
 
These thoughts hit me mostly at night...when I have time to reflect on my day. I spend all day showing how strong I am, how fearless I am, how determined I am to make my dream come true, how I am unafraid of any obstacles that may come my way. It is at night when I am too tired to even convince my own self of those things. It is that moment when the doubt slithers its way into my mind. I can't help but acknowledge it; it's there, I can't help but feel it. I wonder if I am doing the wrong thing, the smart thing, the responsible thing. 

I just need one person to talk to. How can I be so alone when I have so many friends I talk to everyday? How can I not have one single person I can talk to about anything? I spend so much time settling as someones second choice that I realize I am no ones first choice. All of my friends have at least one person they are closer to than me. They all go to someone else, and that someone else goes to them. It is in these moments that I realize no one comes to me first, and I don't go to anyone at all. 

It is one of the hardest things to realize that I just need one person, and I don't even have that. It is one of the hardest things to hold everything inside that I want to get out just because I don't have someone to talk to. I have to let the few tears fall, the heart ache, and the throat tighten. Then I have to suck it up and start a new day the next morning. 

I have to reassure myself that everything will be okay because I can't tell anyone else how scared I am that it will all fall apart.

Obamacare

"people say they are moving to canada because of obamacare.... oh wait they have that too, people say they are moving to europe because of obamacare..... oh wait, thats the center of socialized healthcare.... i think those people mean to say, "im moving to Africa because of obamacare." good luck with that!"

saw this post on facebook, and I just had to put it up. It makes me laugh! 

Hypocrites

Why do parent’s teach their kids manners? I mean, what’s the point? Parents teach their kids not to lie, not to hit, and to just be a good person. “Don’t be bad,” they say. They teach their kids to listen, to compromise, and to say they’re sorry. Why do parent’s teach their kids these things? It can’t be because they want their kids to be good examples of human beings just like themselves. If that were the case then all the adults in the world who teach their kids these things would act that way. Do they? For the most part…no.

If they followed the rules they set for their kids then they wouldn’t lie. They wouldn’t say they are fine when they aren’t. They wouldn’t cheat, and say they still love the person they are with.  They wouldn’t make up stories to impress their friends.

If they followed the rules they set out for their kids then they wouldn’t hit. They wouldn’t lay a harmful finger on anyone. They wouldn’t abuse their spouse, or kick their kids. They wouldn’t keep guns, or other weapons, in their house, and make violence seem like the right answer…but only if they’re an adult, because if a kid hit their brother or sister, or another kid, then they get sent to bed without dinner, or they get yelled at and put in the time-out chair.

If parents followed the rules they set out for their kids then they would be good people. They wouldn’t talk about people behind their backs. They would hold the door open for others. They would smile a little wider, and laugh more often. They wouldn’t make faces, or judge a person just because they are different, because no two people are the same.  They would, very simply, just be good people. They wouldn’t pull others down to get to the top, they wouldn’t end a friendship over something stupid, and they wouldn’t ignore someone who once meant everything.

 If parents followed the rules they set for their kids then they would listen. They wouldn’t just hear what people are saying, they would actually listen. They would realize that sometimes people need to vent, and that doesn’t always mean they are yelling or complaining. They would pick up the phone, read the text, open the letter, and save the email. They would listen with an open mind, and not judge. They would put their two cents in, or give their advice, only when it’s needed; not all the time.

 If parents followed the rules they set for their kids then they would compromise. They wouldn’t be so stubborn. They would realize that two ideas combined could have much more potential than the one idea that won the fight. They would talk things out with people instead of shutting them down. They would appreciate the beauty of opinion, and agree to disagree.

If parents followed the rules they set out for their kids then they would apologize. They would grasp the idea that just because they apologize that doesn’t mean they were wrong, and the other person was right, necessarily. Instead they would understand that apologizing means, simply, that they care more about being an alliance, and less about being enemies. They would understand that, even if they think they weren’t in the wrong, someone else felt that they were. And sometimes that someone else is hurt, and all they want is an apology. Parents would realize that there are two sides to every conflict, and if one parent apologizes for their actions, then the other parent would also apologize for theirs. They would grasp that life is not a one-way street, and if someone were hurt they would understand they need to apologize. They would appreciate the power two words can have on a relationship. And no matter the situation, they would always say, “ I’m sorry.”

So again, I ask, why do parent’s teach their kids manners? What is the point in hammering it in their heads if, at some point, they enter this world with those manners, and the same parents who taught them call them naïve when the kids realize, for that first time, that manners don’t mean anything anymore? Why teach them these things when they will be quickly replaced with an ugliness of heart that society deems status quo?

Why waste our time teaching our kids these wonderful qualities if we aren’t even willing to follow them ourselves. If we teach our kids not to be hypocrites, then why are we being hypocritical of our own advice? Why can’t we all just simply follow the rules we set out for our children?

Broken

I'm not whole. My heart wasn't broken by some guy; it's been slowly breaking over time. I'm cracked, and pieces are missing, but I don't need someone to fix me or try to fill the holes. I just need someone to be there for me when what is left of me isn't enough to make it through the day.

butterfly: Sometimes in life you need someone. You can't always rely on yourself. If you can find that person who will be there for you, hold on to them. Not everyone can be strong every single day. Sometimes it is as simple as needing someone to help you. We don't need to be fixed, we just need that shoulder to cry on, hand to hold, and arms to lean on.

Answers

I'm so tired of having to be strong; strong for everyone else. I'm tired of not being allowed to have a weak moment. I'm tired of feeling alone. My life is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I don't have the answers; only questions. I have fallen to the ground, and I'm not strong enough to pick myself up. Should I just give up? I listen to everyone elses problems and I give them really good advice; advice so good that they come back for more. For some reason that is supposed to make me immune to my own problems according to them. I can be anyones rock, but who is mine? Who can I go to? Who can I talk to without being told my life is perfect? Because my life is not perfect. My life is a shit show, but no one knows that because I hide it so well. I laugh all the time, I smile at people, I tell jokes, I act like everything is ok, and I'm the most optimistic person most people meet. I pretend, and I'm good at pretending. I pretend so well that people never know when something is wrong. Where do I go when I can't pretend anymore? Who do I go to when everyone thinks I'm the strong one? When do I realize it's finally time to take care of myself? When will being myself be goog enough? How do I know when I need to stop acting, and start protecting myself? When will I decide that crying myself to sleep at night is unacceptable? I need answers, but I don't even know where to start looking for them. I need someone to take care of me; I'm tired of being alone.

Deserving Him

Sometimes I put myself down to protect myself from getting hurt. Sometimes I think that nothing I do will ever be good enough for someone else. I convince myself that the only guy good enough for me is the asshole who doesn't give a shit, just because I think that is the most attention I will ever get. I go to bed thinking about the guy I really want to be with, but then I think about how if he really wanted me also then he would tell me. I think about how I could end up alone because no one can ever possibly love me back in the same way I love them. I wonder if I will ever be able to share my love with someone else, someone known as a soul mate; if I will ever be given the opportunity to make someone happy because that is all I really want out of life. I have all this feeling bottled up inside that I want to let out; feelings that prove that I care. I care about him, and all that we can be...together. I think about how perfect we are together, but how I'm afraid that our perfection is too good to be true. I dream of us being together, but I'm afraid it's just a dream that can be shattered. I wonder if I will stay with someone else, someone not good enough for me, just because I'm too scared to allow him to hold my heart in his shaking hands.  I'm worried I will let it all fade away because I don't want to be hurt by him. I'm worried I will pretend it never really mattered because I think he will never truly love me. I'm worried I will push everyone good for me away because I don't want my heart to be so vulnerable. I'm afraid to let him too close because I don't want him to leave me heartbroken and crying, isolated from everyone else.


Sometimes I am afraid that I will settle for someone less than I deserve just because I am afraid of being alone.




butterfly: Fear is a hard wall to knock down, but sometimes you don't need to knock a wall down to get past it. Fear gives you a chance to face yourself and decide if seeing what's behind the wall is important to you. Sometimes you just need enough courage to throw a rope over the side and climb. It can take a lot to pull yourself up, more to knock a whole wall down, but if you risk the chance of falling, and you go after what you know you deserve, then you may find yourself on the other side; where fear isn't a problem anymore. You can always have what you deserve if you are willing to take the risk to get there. All you have to do is face yourself, because in the end, you are the only wall that can stand in your way.

The Question

Am I good enough?
The question I’ve asked myself since before I could walk
Am I good enough?
Why aren’t I good enough?
What can I do to be good enough?
The questions turning, churning in my mind.
Not able to ask out loud, like my lips are tied to tight.

What can I do to be good enough?
Am I funny enough?
Do I need to tell stupid jokes just to be worthy of attention?
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive!
Even questioning a chicken’s motive.
But does that make me funny enough?

Am I pretty enough?
Shopping at expensive stores, buying expensive things.
Falling subject to the lies.
This makes you thinner, that makes you look taller.
It even makes you rich and famous.


All lies, and yet I pull out my wallet.
The green faces of president’s past look disappointed.
Why aren’t I good enough?
Slathering products on my face and hair.
I look in the mirror, but it’s not me I see.
It’s the fake impersonation of the soul inside.
Trying to please only God knows who.


Am I smart enough?
Trying to impress
Do the homework. Take the test.
Bring a report card home
All A’s and one B+
Is that good enough? But no such luck
Because clearly that’s not good enough, I guess I didn’t try hard enough.


I’m tired of all the standards
A joke doesn’t define me, clothes and make-up don’t refine me.
A piece of paper with some letters don’t even come close to recognizing
All that I do, all that I try,
But why do I feel so empty inside.


The question dances on my tongue, just out of reach.
It wants to be released.
But it’s a part of me now, it makes me who I am.


But when my kid asks, “Am I good enough?”
I’ll say, no!
No you’re not good enough.
To be good enough means you just reach that bar, the bar set so high.
I will see the insecurity in the small questioning eyes.


NO! Good isn’t worthy of you, that four letter word cannot contain you.
It does not define you, refine you, or recognize you.
You will never be merely good enough.
Because to me you are perfect, because perfection is when you are you.


Butterfly: You are the best you. You will always be a second best version of anything else, so make sure you follow your heart, your dreams, and your own path. Don't follow where other people tell you to go because then you are going down their path, not yours. Trust that somewhere deep inside you know where you are going, and you can take yourself there. Enjoy your journey because, in the end, it will be your story to tell...no one else can compare.