Scared

Every so often the optimism in me fails, and there is a sliver of doubt that creeps in. It is in that moment that I feel the tightness in my chest. I realize I am scared. These are the times in my life that I need someone in my corner the most. These are the times I need someone to reach down, pull me up, and push me forward when I feel like sitting down and giving up. When I have these moments I open my phone and look through my contacts. I look for that one person I can call; that one person that only I can talk to. That is when I realize I don't have that person in my contact list. I realize I don't have someone I can go to when I need to go to someone the most. I have to internalize all my thoughts and fears. I can't say, " I'm scared." I can't tell anyone how afraid I am of failing.
 
These thoughts hit me mostly at night...when I have time to reflect on my day. I spend all day showing how strong I am, how fearless I am, how determined I am to make my dream come true, how I am unafraid of any obstacles that may come my way. It is at night when I am too tired to even convince my own self of those things. It is that moment when the doubt slithers its way into my mind. I can't help but acknowledge it; it's there, I can't help but feel it. I wonder if I am doing the wrong thing, the smart thing, the responsible thing. 

I just need one person to talk to. How can I be so alone when I have so many friends I talk to everyday? How can I not have one single person I can talk to about anything? I spend so much time settling as someones second choice that I realize I am no ones first choice. All of my friends have at least one person they are closer to than me. They all go to someone else, and that someone else goes to them. It is in these moments that I realize no one comes to me first, and I don't go to anyone at all. 

It is one of the hardest things to realize that I just need one person, and I don't even have that. It is one of the hardest things to hold everything inside that I want to get out just because I don't have someone to talk to. I have to let the few tears fall, the heart ache, and the throat tighten. Then I have to suck it up and start a new day the next morning. 

I have to reassure myself that everything will be okay because I can't tell anyone else how scared I am that it will all fall apart.