Deserving Him

Sometimes I put myself down to protect myself from getting hurt. Sometimes I think that nothing I do will ever be good enough for someone else. I convince myself that the only guy good enough for me is the asshole who doesn't give a shit, just because I think that is the most attention I will ever get. I go to bed thinking about the guy I really want to be with, but then I think about how if he really wanted me also then he would tell me. I think about how I could end up alone because no one can ever possibly love me back in the same way I love them. I wonder if I will ever be able to share my love with someone else, someone known as a soul mate; if I will ever be given the opportunity to make someone happy because that is all I really want out of life. I have all this feeling bottled up inside that I want to let out; feelings that prove that I care. I care about him, and all that we can be...together. I think about how perfect we are together, but how I'm afraid that our perfection is too good to be true. I dream of us being together, but I'm afraid it's just a dream that can be shattered. I wonder if I will stay with someone else, someone not good enough for me, just because I'm too scared to allow him to hold my heart in his shaking hands.  I'm worried I will let it all fade away because I don't want to be hurt by him. I'm worried I will pretend it never really mattered because I think he will never truly love me. I'm worried I will push everyone good for me away because I don't want my heart to be so vulnerable. I'm afraid to let him too close because I don't want him to leave me heartbroken and crying, isolated from everyone else.


Sometimes I am afraid that I will settle for someone less than I deserve just because I am afraid of being alone.




butterfly: Fear is a hard wall to knock down, but sometimes you don't need to knock a wall down to get past it. Fear gives you a chance to face yourself and decide if seeing what's behind the wall is important to you. Sometimes you just need enough courage to throw a rope over the side and climb. It can take a lot to pull yourself up, more to knock a whole wall down, but if you risk the chance of falling, and you go after what you know you deserve, then you may find yourself on the other side; where fear isn't a problem anymore. You can always have what you deserve if you are willing to take the risk to get there. All you have to do is face yourself, because in the end, you are the only wall that can stand in your way.