Sunday, November 13, 2011
Answers
I'm so tired of having to be strong; strong for everyone else. I'm tired of not being allowed to have a weak moment. I'm tired of feeling alone. My life is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I don't have the answers; only questions. I have fallen to the ground, and I'm not strong enough to pick myself up. Should I just give up? I listen to everyone elses problems and I give them really good advice; advice so good that they come back for more. For some reason that is supposed to make me immune to my own problems according to them. I can be anyones rock, but who is mine? Who can I go to? Who can I talk to without being told my life is perfect? Because my life is not perfect. My life is a shit show, but no one knows that because I hide it so well. I laugh all the time, I smile at people, I tell jokes, I act like everything is ok, and I'm the most optimistic person most people meet. I pretend, and I'm good at pretending. I pretend so well that people never know when something is wrong. Where do I go when I can't pretend anymore? Who do I go to when everyone thinks I'm the strong one? When do I realize it's finally time to take care of myself? When will being myself be goog enough? How do I know when I need to stop acting, and start protecting myself? When will I decide that crying myself to sleep at night is unacceptable? I need answers, but I don't even know where to start looking for them. I need someone to take care of me; I'm tired of being alone.
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Please believe me when I tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is like reading one of my own journal entries from last year.
ReplyDeleteI was in your shoes and I know how it feels to smile all day and then cry myself to sleep at night. I know how it feels to push my own problems aside and be strong for everyone else. I know how it feels to seem like the most put together person on the planet and then go home and write stuff like this in my journal.
You might not believe me when I tell you that you will not feel this way forever. I know it seems like everyone says, "It gets better" or "This is not the end." I felt like popping those people in the face. But they were right. And it took some time, but it happened.
I'm still not the happiest camper at "Camp Life" but I am doing soooo much better than I was. My smiles and laughs are genuine and I feel like I'm moving in the right direction for once.
The time to take care of yourself is now. If you need to pull back from the world and re-evaluate your life, there is no better time than now. That's what I did. I got to a point where I just had to say, "Whoa...I need to step back. I need to get away from this." I just really secluded myself (in a good way) so I could work on becoming my own best friend again. And it WILL take time to feel better. But like any other goal, you have to keep your eye on the prize and keep moving forward.
I saw this post on my dashboard and couldn't navigate away without responding. I hope I at least helped a little bit :-)
~ Madison Sonnier
p.s. It's okay to not have all the answers...No one ever does.
Thank you so much for this! I really appreciate it!! It's like I've been hitting a lot of bumps in the road lately, and I finally let them get the best of me. You make a great point, and it will proably be difficult for me, but I know it's something I need to do for myself. Thank you for your advice, you did help! Thank you!
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